Friday, March 17, 2017

Returning to an Identity

It's been quite some time I've posted, as I took time to build my business Pagesculptor Studios.  I could get long winded about his adventure, but visit the Pagesculptor Studios blog or Facebook page for a recap.  Long story short, I've found my life missing something despite a prosperous client list.  Once upon a time I spent time writing poetry and novels.  And while I have many novel drafts that need editing, I spend less time creating for myself.  Though it may not be as refined and beautiful, it is necessary to process feelings and emotions.  And after 5 years struggling with a difficult friendship, it's time to process so I can move on to some type of reality where we are able to stay in touch.  At 42, I've learned that I can't change others, so I spend every day working on myself.  The internal adventure is just as fascinating as the external one.

Anyway, here is today's quick and dirty poem:

Demon of Friendship
by Rachael Kvapil
Poster by Rory Phillips

Ride a Bike
Ride a Demon
Demon inside
Demon does smile
Smile at me
Smile for real
Real enough
Real today
Today we love
Today you listen
Listen with tears
Listen without words
Words are dangerous
Words are courage
Courage I had
Courage you don't
Don't love me
Don't tell anyone
Anyone not you
Anyone is yes
Yes and no
Yes not you
You won't do
You are weird
Weird is relative
Weird is love
Love is relative
Love doesn't equate
Equate yes
Equate no
No you're wrong
No never understand
Understand I've changed
Understand me now
Now I hear
Now I accept
Accept your no
Accept your hints
Hints of regrets
Hints of desire
Desire I hide
Desire of regrets
Regrets of asking
Regrets of wanting
Wanting love
Wanting friendship
Friendship not attainable
Friendship is dellusional

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Finding My Voice Meant Healing My Heart

“Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.”
― Shannon L. Alder

 Many months have passed since my last post.  In that time, I have lost and found my ability to use my words. In the time after my failed attempt at an Ironman CDA, I have focused on my company Pagesculptor Studios, healing a long-term Achilles injury, and patching up a friendship that had fallen on hard times.  It meant setting aside a bulk of my training and spending that time in solitude. Really sitting and just listening to my emotions more than my thoughts and determining what I wanted as an athlete and for this friendship that had gone astray. Though I am pretty independent, my independence often grows from rebellion (i.e. someone hurt me and so I must prove I don't need them).  The luxury of time and space gave me a bit more freedom to explore my 'wants' and 'needs,' and make independent choices that were less reactionary.

During the process, I pulled my focus from all the wrongs done to me by others and began focusing on why I wasn't able to forgive and forget.  For me, it boiled down to one simple truth: I would have to hold myself accountable for the wrongs I did to others, including running away or pushing them away when there was a problem.  I am terrible at accepting love or truly loving others, which most people don't see since I am friendly and come across as nurturing. But deep down, I knew little things that make up 'love' like vulnerability, trust, and forgiveness, those things terrified me.  And since I spent my whole life proving I was tough, there was no room to for admitting I was scared. But once I did, I quit fighting with myself.  In fact, I had made a conscious decision to allow that fear to rule me for the rest of my life.  After that, I felt okay to admit to my friend just how much I had kept him at arms length since our major fight last year.

We are almost at the first of the year. My Achilles is getting better, but I have decided to be more gentle with myself this training season. Of all the things I hope to bring into the new year, it is that delicacy towards myself and others, probably what most deem as compassion. I deem it love.