Friday, May 09, 2008

Technology, Brain , Ballet III w/Pointe

It's Friday. Yes, Friday; the day in which my brains fall out of my head by 2 pm. Despite rehearsals tonight and a five hour day tomorrow, I can say that I have more time this weekend than most. I don't have to be at the studio tomorrow until noon. I get to leave at 5pm. I don't have any dinners planned, flowers to deliver, shows to attend, last minute birthday invitations or bridal showers. I have work. I am so close to finishing the tra website I can taste it. Yes Suzanne handed me a lot of work for the AK music site, but they are not as complex as a database. There is a lot to layout, the pages are really long and I will have to paginate them, but it will not be so much of a brain teaser as trying to remember PHP and mysql.

It is also Mother's Day this weekend. Ivan actually has plans to play golf with Talia and friends. Talia is leaving early from school to start her summer vacation on some long trip. Ivan will head to Montana mid-June and start football when he gets back. I'm sure they will stay together, but they will have little time to see each other. Well, maybe. If they are anything like me, you would be surprised when I find a minute to do anything. It's amazed me so far. But I'll tell you come August I don't want to be this busy anymore. I can only do so much without going crazy.

I graduated to a new ballet level. Yesterday Miss Ann handed me a piece of paper that officially told me I was in Ballet III with pointe. As I told my mom and dad, this has been a long hard journey with bumps and long term injuries and doubts and so on. I think it finally came together this year because I decided to practice success. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have a real problems with success. I used to think it was success itself, or the aftermath when expectations get raised, but it isn't that. What scares me the most about success is the process that goes into making success. I have to sacrifice. I have to put my nose to the grindstone. I have to sweat. I have to cry. I have to finish what I start. I have to work at success and work hard and work smart. It all terrifies me. But once I left the Fairbanks Arts Association and the news and put my nose to that grindstone I started seeing a new outcome. I think though that initial grindstone wasn't my writing per say or my web work. That initial grindstone was me. I spent half of last year working on me and my relationship with people and my parents and my husband and son. I figured out that the well filled with pain and anger and self-loathing ran really deep and that I needed to lower a bucket to bail myself out. I needed to process and deal and let go. I needed to realize that people did want me to succeed. Well, not all people, but the people I knew. I had to quit blaming others for holding me back. If they weren't advancing me, it was because I wasn't working or I didn't have the right attitude. Most of it was an attitude issue I'm sure.

So this summer, after finishing web work or while I'm finishing it, I am going to work on my choreography, take summer classes, get ready for Dance Excellence, SAF, and any summer performances. I want to cut my time growing from a Ballet III to a Ballet IV in half. The different between these two levels is vast, but I know I already have all of the skills. It is a matter of honing them.

Well, I better go. I have to get ready for class. I'll write more later.

Love and Kisses... RK

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