Thursday, July 10, 2008

Gaining Focus, Fighting Fear, Tears of a Teenager

Gaining Focus

Another profile down. I sigh often as I write them because they feel tedious. Do I know what Seann Tamayoa's darkest secret is? Uh. Never gave it a thought. I know a lot of these character creating sheets say it isn't necessary to fill in every part, but you know I have with every character I've gone though so far and I will tell you that thinking about Seann's darkest secret made me realize just how far he bends rules. How does Angela relate to people? As an assignment. What motivates Rebbeca? The need to be needed.

Drawing their images have helped as well. Though they are amateur sketches hanging on my office wall I have learned a lot about the characters. My flaws drawing them because their flaws as characters. Rebbeca has a scar below her chin because I accidentally scratched to hard with a pencil there. Though she is decorated in pretty clothing, she appears skeptical as her eyes draw in a long sideglance. Angela is not as rigid as I believed. In private she is semi-relaxed, but her black uniform hints at the importance of her mission. As I was shading her uniform, which by the way is going to use an entire 4B pencil, I thought of what I want to get from Angela:

"When you see Angela, I want you to think morgues and funeral homes. She is death coming your way. She is the *$%$# Wired reaper."

Now most writers might say, "Oh just get over it and start writing." Well, I've done a bit of that too and since undergoing all this detailed work, writing about these characters has gotten much easier.

Fighting Fear

None of this has been easy. I'm still undergoing trauma recovery for whatever emotional damage I'm holding over from childhood. Logically I understand that my trauma is not great, or at least not as great as those who have suffered war, famine, physical abuse, etc. But this trauma is mine and it significantly undermines my ability to get things done and be a good parent. I'm not beyond believing that the degree in which I feel this trauma is somehow tied to a mental imbalance as well. All I know is that since I started working on healing the trauma I have started becoming the person I want. I'm writing and dancing despite the amount of fear that overwhelms me. I'm drawing even if the drawings aren't always stellar. I'm believing that I might someday achieve what I dreamed of as a child before I believed those who said there are more worthy goals to pursue. Why did I ever stop believing my goals were worthy? Why does anyone?

Tears of a Teenager

And so this became the discussion last night a 1:30 a.m. when Ivan hit one of those emotional teenage moments. He is frustrated because he wants to become his own person, but he feels trapped in the everyday. I feel for him because I know exactly what he means. All I could do was listen and relay all that I have uncovered in the past few days. I wonder sometimes if my son has the unfortunate timing of living with a mom who, after years of arrested development, is growing up alongside him. I don't know what to do with that other than apologize many times over. Why is it so easy to be a role model to children outside my home, but difficult to be mom to one young boy. He says he loves and understands me, but I can only hope that he knows I love and understand him too; even at 1:30 a.m. after he has woken me up three times because he can't find the rubber bands for his braces. He is a wonderful child and sometimes I wish I could have had more like him.

Write more later... Peace... RK

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