Thursday, October 30, 2008
There art two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness.- Franz Kafka
Well, I celebrated my birthday with the flu. Somehow with the explosion of my workload, I'm not too surprised that it hit me. Besides taking online classes, we perform tonight, and a few more unexpected web design clients sent me new projects. Just when I thought I had the year wrapped up I suddenly felt lost, overwhelmed, and unable to comprehend where I stood with the projects I had now. By Monday I had a headache and my body began to ache. Tuesday the flu hit me and I laid on the couch trying to watch Cleveland and the Celtics play. Wednesday was better, but I stayed home just the same. Phoenix did awesome, but my Clippers let me down. Today I am ready to perform though I'm not a 100 percent. Besides feeling slightly off physically, I can tell that I'm slightly off emotionally. When I'm tired I take everything personally. Someone might not speak with me because they are focused on a specific project, but I take it as I've done something to offend them. Really I know it is other personal thing weighing on their mind and I'm just one more person they have to deal with. It's hard for me to accept that when I'm this tired. I can't wait until tomorrow when I can spend the evening doing nothing of major importance at home.
Impatience is my killer. I've known this for years. Other artists and teacher have pointed this out to me. My mother has warned me about my impatience, a day I have never forgotten. I got in trouble for rushing through cleaning the kitchen and she told me very firmly that if I continued to do things "half-ass" I would always have to waste more time coming back and doing it all over again.
So where has this materialized in my life? The bigger question is: where hasn't it? Last night I unraveled a long piece of knitting that was long ago ruined by miscounted stitches, dropped stitches, and stitches that were too tight. I have to go back and relearn all this web information because I never correctly learned to apply it in the first place. I had to go back and "fix" my posture so that I could dance correctly. I have had to go back and "fix" so much in my life from my marriage on down that it is a miracle that I have gotten this far in life.
Impatience is a killer.
Rest is a necessity. Too much rest kills motivation. I attended a lecture at a local school board meeting where one professional psychologist pointed out that laziness is nothing more than anger and fear. This is pretty much the same definition for apathy. If you're lazy your screwed. For years I suffered laziness and apathy. It's been an uphill battle to retrain myself to give my effort and to give more when someone asks. It's the extension of "half-ass," I'll do what's required and I'll do it quickly so that I can move onto the next thing. In doing it quickly I'll find that I did it wrong and have to go back and do it again and so I will give up and decide to do nothing so I will not have to live through that again. I become lazy and fall behind; therefore killing myself.
From there it is as Kafka describes: a downward spiral. Combating laziness is perhaps the most difficult thing to do because it takes focus, courage, and acceptance. It takes work and motivation. Developing those traits have been incredibly hard and some days I feel like a glacier: two steps forward, one step back.
Well, I'm off. We are going to have a full run through in a little under and hour. After this performance I get the feeling that I am going to sleep like a log.
Write more later... Peace... RK