Monday, January 19, 2009

Vying to Get on My Personal SH*T List

I Was Warned...

My friend Robyne told me years ago that something happens to a woman when she turns 35. She becomes less tolerable of all the crap people dish out. She is no longer willing to deal with people who wear on her good graces. She is more likely to champion herself and tell the rest of the world where to go.

Today it seems that everyone is vying for the top spot on my personal SH*T list. From co-workers to artistic politics, I think the only one I have gotten into a fight with is my parents, Phil and Ivan. The four people I fight with most.

Someone else (not Robyne, but really I don't know who) once told me that the more you succeed, the more people hate you. I am guilty of violating the first law of the 48 laws, which is "Never Outshine the Master." So to some degree I am at fault for the artistic politicking that has gotten me in trouble. But really, the system has been barreling on the same way for the past 10 years, and now at 34 I have thrown up my hands and said, "Whatever!" I am pursuing different opportunities and sloughing away people who wear on my good graces. I really don't have to love everybody, and trust me I don't. If they want to be haters then they can hate on their own island. I'm gonna go make stuff happen on my own.

Chris Ledoux (movie maker, not singer) told me that I needed to forget the rules. He was right. After 10 years + of playing by the rules, I have gotten no where closer to achieving my goals. In fact, if you play by the rules you get abused more by the people who use those rules against you, while rewarding those who violate the rules all the time. I hate to become Mistress Bi **chiness, but I have been pushed to my limit for too long and now I have reached 34 and totally understand what Robyne was saying.

Freedom '90

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea-
George Michael "Freedom '90"

The rumor mill will run full force because I have decided to leave Dance Theatre Fairbanks' Senior Company. I have decided to pursue other time consuming projects. That is it. A lot of people will hypothesis many reasons, but really I do not have the energy for both performing and writing and web design. I am still taking class and helping with the little kids, but other than that I am going to finish up the more important things in my life. The kids in the Senior Company are a strong, tightly bonded bunch, that can perform wonderfully. I am proud of them and I have enjoyed working with them. I just hit a crossroad and hand to decide and I have decided. It makes me sad and excited at the same time. And in a few days no one will remember I was ever there or going to participate in the upcoming show. I will be as invisible as ever and maybe that is a good thing.

Well, I'm off. I will write more later PEACE... RK

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dance is as much a part of you as the air you breathe.
and yes the politics pollutes the dance
but politics is not the dance that you do.
and in the wings are dancers and techies and geeks who appreciate you
I think sometimes we forget about those people who do really appreciate us
and we pay them no appreciation
and no respect
because we are caught up in obsessing about the stupidity that sometimes surrounds us
but they quietly lisson and watch from the side appreciate in the good part and understand that from time to time
We need a break from it when it just overwhelms
sometimes we need to catch our breath from the dance
but don't think for a moment
that a dancer like you is forgotten and not missed