Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Why I Won't Be Filling An Upcoming Vacancy for an Arch-Nemesis

Wanted: One Brilliant Mastermind who won't try to kill, harm, or taunt me.  Must be charismatic, strong and talented.  Egos are optional, but must be able to keep it in check if applicant has one.
Perhaps it sounds like a joke, but I lose my arch-nemesis in June.  The sole driving force that has given me a benchmark to my every accomplishment in life will move onto becoming some other person's bane of their existence.  This will be the third arch-nemesis that I have lost in under 10 years.  One ended in a draw, the second I defeated, and the third appears to be another draw, which is probably a good record for anyone willing to have a daily epic battle with someone else.

I'm not fulfilling this vacancy this time.  I've decided not to place the driving power is another person's hands anymore.  It's not worth the emotional toll it takes on me.  It's not worth the unnecessary unpleasantness that comes from daily battles.  It's not worth the time and energy.  This does not mean I won't giving up being the same old Rachael (or Richie) that has been living this struggle for the past 30+ years.  It just means that this time I am not going to do things just to prove my worth, power, and ability to someone else.  It is going to be an unusual venture for me because since childhood I never saw the value of doing something if it WASN'T to prove SOMETHING to someone else.

What I DO need to MAINTAIN is my sounding boards; the people I fling ideas at.  I have at least three or four of those right now.  I also need a better idea of what I want to accomplish in the coming years.  It's all been vague because most of what I was doing was based on what I was trying to prove.  This summer I hope to solidify my plans and start to draw out my paths to getting there.  Last, I need to identify my personal motivators.  I think this is going to be the biggest challenge.  If someone else isn't there to prod me into action, then what will prod me into action?  Oddly enough, I feel like the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy where I have the Ultimate Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything (42), I just don't have the Ultimate Question.

Most of all, I have to accept that I'm not crazy.  Oh people may call me crazy. I may even call myself crazy. Some days I feel crazy.  But I am not crazy.  There is life after the epic battle.  It's not boring despite what Hollywood depicts. It's not typical or mundane or any of those reasons we are afraid to surrender the fight.  I wish the best to my former arch-nemeses.  I am looking forward to life without you guys.

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