Saturday, December 31, 2011

Last Thoughts of 2011

"New Year's Day... now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."~Mark Twain
It's 9:29 here in Alaska and I'm sitting alone in my living room watching the Sarah Jane Adventures.  My husband, who is recovering from surgery, is tucked in his bed and my son is off at The Cabin's annual New Year's Party.  And had this been a regular year I would be at this party too, but this year has been anything but normal.

I wish I could explain what made this year different.  My travels to Los Angeles to attend Dance Excellence, completely editing a novel and writing another for NanoWriMo, producing several videos, and performing--all par for the course.  My year started out with such chaos, more than what is normal for show productions and long hours behind a computer screen. I said good-bye to a close friend knowing that I would never see/hear from him again and the build up to that moment had been intense and tear-filled.  The emotional recovery blurred my summer, spent at home trying to figure out my place in life, or where to go.  I felt like the Doctor after Rose Tyler is sealed off in a different dimension.  Maybe it was this void that made it so different.  There was a three month period in which time just stopped.  And I hadn't let that happen over 18 years.

I can't tell you exactly what I contemplated or even what I concluded.  I just remember standing in my co-worker's office one day as he was signing paperwork, looking up at his children's artwork hanging on his walls, and thinking how pleasant it all looked.  It was the first time in the five years he smiled at me; and for some reason the unexpected happiness made me realize I'm not yet done being happy with life.

This unleashed time again.  Everything went back to normal, and the moments when time stilled to the painful memories of our good-byes grew more and more intermittent. 

This last month has been its own breed.  It's been like trying to move through jello.  I'm trying to will time to move quickly while it's all being slowed due to my husband's recovery.  We are finally seeing a breakthrough and for the first time in a month, I'm looking forward to the New Year.  My schedule is, of course, booked and I'm trying to figure out how to get it all done.  My first step is probably to get a good night's sleep.  We'll see how far I get with this given that Ivan has been texting me all the juicy details of the annual New Year's party.  Or maybe I'll sit here and make a list of resolutions that I intend to break next week like giving up candy and making friends with people who don't make my life crazy.


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